"YOU'RE LIKE JELLY".

Waffler drives along Dorset st and this big guy in a black wooly hat and black
leather jacket is standing on the road waving him down..

Waffler pulls over and the guy jumps in.
"Down towards Connolly station",he says.
They head down Gardiner st.
"I have a tip for a horse",he says.
"It's a 3 barrel name and I ca'nt remember the first 2 parts of the name",he says.
"That's helpful",thought Waffler.
"It's  plate",he says.   "What's that",says Waffler.

"The third word it's plate",he says '
"Plate",repeats Waffler.
"Yeah the thing you eat your dinner off,do you understand?",he says.
"I have a right one here",thinks Waffler.
"It's running from Fairyhouse",he says.
"I have lost a million over the years to the bookies",the guy says.
"I had 2 pubs and lost the lot on gambling",he says.
"You're in Fairyland",thinks Waffler about the guy.
"You're too soft for this game,you need toughen yourself up",the guy says to Waffler.
"Really,Do you think so?",says a puzzled Waffler.
"Yeah I am a tough nut myself and I can tell what people are like",he says.
"Which way ,now",says Waffler.
"Ah you've gone too far,turn around and go back",he says.
Waffler does a U ee.

"Up here",says the guy.
"Stop here",he says.
They pull outside a Hostel.




"I've been homeless for 14 years and I have finally been given my own place next week",he says.
He pays Waffler his fare and says,"Remember,toughen yourself up".
He extends his hand to Waffler to shake hands.

The guy squeezes Waffler's hand and Waffler nearly screams with the pain.
"Your hand is like Jelly",the guy says to Waffler.
"Okay",says Waffler,"I'm off to the gym tomorrow to toughen myself up".
The guy gets out of the Taxi and gives Waffler a playful jab on the shoulder.
"What a nutter",thinks Waffler to himself as he pulls away .

DAILY TALES.

Thursday 3 am.
Waffler is heading back into town after dropping a fare up to Tallaght.
He gets to Cork st and a person in a wooly hat and wooly cardigan is walking up the
road on the other side.Waffler sees its a guy as he gets closer.
The guy puts his hand out so Waffler stops and the guy walks over to the drivers window.
Waffler winds down his window. The guy who was wearing glasses,which were all steamed up
because of the cold weather says,"How much is it to Templeogue from here?".
"About 10 or 12 euros",says Waffler.
"No,I mean how much time to walk?",he says.
"Half hour",says Waffler.
"Do'nt suppose you fancy a Blow job", says the guy.
"No ,thanks,good luck",says Waffler as he speeds off towards town.
"Unbelievable",says Waffler to himself.
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Thursday 3.22 am.
Waffler drives in to town along Dame st and empty taxis everywhere.
He turns into Temple bar. Streets deserted.
He turns onto the quays and this young couple were standing there.
The girl waves him down and he pulls over.
The girl walks over to the taxi and opens the front passenger door.
She waves a ten euro note and says,"I need to get to a place past Clonee".
"That will cost about 30 plus euro",says Waffler.
"I only have a tenner and my friends have gone without me",she says.
"Has your boyfriend no money",says Waffler.
"Oh he's not my boyfriend ,i only met him tonight",she says.
"Sorry ,love,but its too far",says Waffler.
"Thanks anyway,your the eighth taxi I've tried",she says.
"Good luck,keep on trying you might get a taxi man that lives out that way on his way home",
says Waffler,"If you have no luck why do'nt you go to the 24hr Mac Donalds in o'Connell st and wait there for the first bus,you can always have a Happy meal".

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Thursday 3.35 am
Waffler crosses the Liffey onto the north quays and this couple wave him down.
"Third time lucky",thinks Waffler.
"Airport,please",they say.

"Phew,that's a relief",says Waffler to himself.

"HORN TABLETS"

Sunday night ,Waffler is queuing behind a few taxis in Portobello.
Across the road under a bus shelter 2 guys ,late 40 s, who looked liked a skinny
version of podge and rodge were having a smoke.
One of the guys gives Waffler a nod.
Waffler swings around his taxi and picks up the 2 guys.
The more sober guy gets in the front seat  and the other guy falls into the back seat.
"Right ,Bud,bring us down towards the quays",he says.
"Okey Dokey",says Waffler.
"Wacker,are you still with us?",says the guy in the front seat.
No response.
Waffler looks in his rear-view mirror at Wacker and his eyes are rolling in
their sockets.
After been called a few times Wacker pipes up,"Where are we Mack?".
"Do'nt bleeding start falling asleep on me ,Wacker",says Mack.
"It's not my fault,its them horn tablets you gave me,their not working down there,but their making me sleepy".,says Wacker.
"Do'nt be stupid,Wacker,it's all that gargle that has you like that",says Mack.
"That ghostie will kick in soon and you will be hyper."
Mack looks at Waffler and says,"Take us to an ATM on the way".
They pull up at the ATM  and Mack says to Wacker,"Right Wacker take out 200 euros".
"What for?",says Wacker who did'nt appear to be as sleepy with the mention of money.
"Just take it out its your turn to pay for something,I've been feeding you with gargle all day,
you hungry cant",says Mack,"We are going to need 150 for the Brazzer,so just get the dosh ".
Eventually he stumbles out of the back seat and goes over to the ATM .
"What's a ghostie?",says Waffler to Mack.
"Hang on till i show you",he says and takes out a small green pill out of his pocket.
"That,my friend is a ghost Ecstasy tablet ,keep your kids away from them",says the Mack.

"The last time I took 2 of them I was on holiday in Spain and I had to wear a nappy for 4 days afterwards".

With that Waffler looks in the back seat where Wacker was sitting fearing the worst.





No smell,No stain,"Phew",thought Waffler.
Then he takes out a blue pill and shows it to Waffler  and says,"That is a horn tablet,viagra".

"My friend has taken 2 horn tablets and a ghostie ".he says,"Speaking of, What's holding him up?".
"The Atm ",says Waffler laughing.They both look out and theres Wacker asleep against the cash machine.
Macker jumps out and goes over to Wacker who had fallen asleep holding his bank card.
They eventually take the money out and Mack stands Wacker against the wall and comes over to pay Waffler."Here you go ,Bud ,I am going to walk him the rest of the way to wake him up".
"Thanks",says Waffler as he takes the money off Mack,"Enjoy yourselves",he says laughing.
"Yeah",says Mack,"I do'nt think he will",pointing over at Wacker who was curled up on the ground fast asleep.
"Wacker,wake up........."