DUMBO

Panda drives down Bridge Street towards ,The Brazen Head (The Oldest Pub in Dublin and a Pub
Panda himself used to frequent on a regular basis many moons before .)
Taxi a voice rang out.
Panda stops and there's a couple standing there both about 50 ish..
The guy opens the door and bails into the back seat ,she follows and says,
You're some fecking gentleman,
What do you mean ,Nora ?,He says.
What do you mean,What do I mean ?,Nora says.
You got in first,Dumbo,That's What I mean,says Nora.
Where to ?says Panda.
Glasnevin says Dumbo.
Panda drives over the Liffey and up Church Street.
Sorry ,love says Dumbo.
Don't sorry me with your love says Nora.
Next there's a big pop from Dumbo.
You smelly fecker says Nora.
Panda opens the window for some fresh air.
You ,Dumbo , are sleeping in the spare room tonight,
I'm not putting up with your Elephant farts and snoring all night,she says.
But ,But,,,,,,,,,says Dumbo.
But But But,Don't But me,And don't try and sneak in 'cause the door will be locked, says Nora.
Panda drives on through Phibsborough and then up the Mobhi road.
Buddy ,I know a short cut up here says Dumbo.
Okay ,says Panda.
What shortcut are you talking about Dumbo ?she says.
The right up here he says.
Eh ,Hello ,That,s an Illegal turn she says  ,Don't mind that Gobshite she says to Panda.
Panda listens to Nora and drives straight on 'til they get to Their road.
Nora gets out first and says to Dumbo Pay the man his money.
Dumbo roots through his trouser pockets , then his Jacket pockets ,then
trousers again.
Panda had a pain in his rocks waiting for him to pay.
Next the door behind Panda, where Dumbo was sitting opens and
Nora grabs Dumbo by the ear and says ,Get out you Gobshite , I can't bring you
anywhere ,you always make a show of me .
Dumbo squeals with the pain.
Nora pays Panda and says,Sorry about him,but 4 pints of Guinness and he gets
very drunk.
Panda thanks Nora and heads off , glad to be rid of Smelly Dumbo.

MUSCLES AND MASCARA

One quiet night in August,Panda drives down Aungier St in his Taxi.
He drives onto Georges St and the traffic is moving very slowly
as it always does on this Street.
Taxis are crawling down the Street.
Panda's Taxi stops adjacent to, The George,
a well known Gay Pub and Club.
Suddenly a Guy in a Beige Mackintosh overcoat runs
from a lane beside the Pub with a frightened look on his face.
"Your man looks like Columbo ," thinks Panda.

Next running a few metres behind "Columbo" is this big
muscular lady dressed in Beige trousers,big Brown Boots
and a purple vest.She has a very determined look on her face,
which is wet with Black Mascara running down it.
Her upper arms were well sculpted.
Columbo runs around the front of Panda's Taxi ,
then around to the back.
She stands at the front of the Taxi.
Muscles says," Wait till I get my hands on you,You little Weasel."
Columbo says,"Sorry, I didn't know that was your Girlfriend."
Muscles says," You will be sorry."
She makes a run around the back of Taxi towards Columbo,
He screams and runs to the Front of Panda's Taxi.
Just as He gets to the front he slips and lands on the ground.
When he stands up,Muscles is waiting for him.

"BANG,BANG," She hits him with a left then a right and
Columbo falls onto Panda's Taxi.
Muscles turns and walks away.
Panda gets out of his Taxi to help Columbo.
Columbo's nose is bloodied and swollen.
Columbo says ,"Can you take me to Hospital ?"
Panda says ,"No problem,Buddy".
Panda helps him into his Taxi.
Columbo groans as he gets into the Taxi.
Columbo says," She beat me bad".
Panda says," She sure did,What was it all about?"
Columbo says," I was inside the Club talking to a woman and
we were having a great laugh,Then Muscles came along and told me to get lost,
So I told her to get lost,Then she pushed me.
I got annoyed with her so I threw my drink into her face
and then I ran ."
As Panda pulled the Taxi away from the Scene he
saw Muscles with her head bowed and some little woman (maybe her girlfriend)
wagging her finger at her and giving out to her.
Panda says,"I can bring you to St James Hospital if you want ?"
Columbo says," No,No, Its okay ,Bring me home,I don't want to spend all night waiting there,I'll go to my own Doctor in the morning".
Panda says ," Are you sure, you're pretty busted up?"
Columbo says ,"No home it is,I can't tell anyone I was battered by a woman ."
Colombo burst out laughing.
Columbo then says ," If I don't laugh I'll cry ."
Panda then burst out laughing.
They both laughed most of the way home to the Guy's house.
When Colombo was getting out of the Taxi ,
He says to Panda," I'll be careful who I chat up next time ."
Panda says ," Just make sure she hasn't got a Jealous Girlfriend ."
They both laughed as they parted ways.