TAXI SNIPPET

Bem (aka Waffler) Picked up a guy in Dublin City Centre at
about 2.30 am. on a Saturday.
"Senor,Can you take me to Harold's Cross ,Please ?",He says.
"Yeah ,no problemo",says Bem.
The guy sits in front seat beside Bem and is playing with his phone
when out of the corner of Bem's eye He sees the guy drilling his
nose with his right index finger.
When they stop at Traffic lights,Bem glares at the guy and he stops picking.
A couple more minutes up the road and the guy has changed to his left index
finger and is picking away furiously.
Bem pulls over and says to the guy,"Listen ,Buddy,stop picking your nose".
"Huh",says the guy.
"Stop now or you can walk, Me stomach is heaving ", says Bem.
"Okay, I am Sorry ", says the guy.
They get to the Destination without any further Picking incidences.
"I sure Pick 'em", thinks Bem as he pulls away.

JUST ANOTHER NORMAL NIGHT IN DUBLIN

Its a Tuesday night and things are very slow so Bem is thinking of
finishing up for the night.
He hangs around till about 1 am and goes for a Tea break.
He has his tea and hangs around shop for awhile when a job comes through
on his phone. Its only around the corner.
He hears thunder then the rain comes,Its torrential rain.
He runs to the Taxi and pulls around the Corner and pulls outside the
Apartment block to wait for the fare.
There's a girls name on the job info so he rings the number to make sure he's in the
right place.
A Guy answers and says casually ,"She'll be down now shortly".
The rain is lashing on the car window.
A guy across the road is collecting stuff from a small Bakery and loading his small van.
Its 4 minutes waiting now and Bem is about to ring the Customer.
Suddenly the Front Door of the Apartment Block swings open and out comes a guy
in a panic.
Behind him almost immediately comes a Lady barely moving.
Bem's wipers were rotating left/ /right.
The window had steamed up a bit.
"Is that  ....?", he has to do a double take.
The Lady had literally just giving Birth at the Apartment Block door.
"Can you please take my wife to the Hospital,We will pay for any mess to your Car",says the guy.
"It's no problem,"says Bem.
The Guy helps his Wife into the Taxi .
The guy at the bakery is rooted to the spot with his jaw hitting the ground.
Bem is waiting for the Husband to get in the car but the Lady explains that he
has to stay behind to mind their other child.
Bem heads towards the Rotunda Hospital.
The Lady is wearing a overcoat and The Baby is partially inside the Coat.
The Baby's cord is still connected to the Mother.
"Let their be no panic",thinks Bem to himself.
Bem puts the heating on full blast .
The Lady is breathing heavy .
Bem constantly reassures the Lady that everything will be Okay.
"I,m a patient in the Coombe  Hospital",she says.
Bem does a gentle U-Turn and heads towards the Coombe.
There,s hardly any Traffic so Bem went slowly through a few red lights.
When they were close to the Hospital the Baby lets out a cry followed by a cry from the Mother,
"It,s a Girl ",she says.
Bem was relieved as the baby had been silent up till then.
He pulls outside the Maternity Hospital and runs in to the Porter.
The Porter is sitting down reading a paper.
It was obviously a quiet night for him too.
He grabs a wheelchair and goes out to the Taxi with Bem.
They both help the Lady onto the Chair and the Lady can,t take Bem enough.
Bem leaves the hospital and is relieved everything is Okay.
Bem rings the Husband to tell him everything was Okay
The Guy is so relieved and can,t Bem enough.
The Company Bem worked for sent flowers up to the Hospital the next day
when Bem told them.
Awhile later The Lady dropped up a Thank you  card to Bem,s house.
Bem was not at home at the time.
When he got home and opened the Card ,inside was a voucher for the value of
100 Euros.
"That is a lovely touch " says Bem;s Wife.
"It,s all in a Day,s work ",laughs Bem.

TAXI SH#TE

Some bitch sh#t in my car
She wasn't even going that far
"I only like to go with Irish guys"
"You had to pick me,Why O Why ?"
We get there she gives me a tip
When she gets out it smells like a skip
I jump out and have a look

O my God it's full of brown muck
I look around and she's gone thru' the gate
If only I had not noticed so late
"My poor f#cking car is all soiled"
I clean it up it takes awhile
I feel better now that it's all clean
She was an animal ,so mean
She should be in a field going, "Moo"
Not in my car doing a Poo
So you can talk sh#te from your mouth
But please don't let it roll south............

"I'M NOT HIS MA !".

Driving down Georges st one busy night Waffler picks up this guy .
The guy gets into the back seat and tells Waffler where to go and off they go.
After he drops the guy off Waffler heads back into town.
As he nears town he decides to stop off at a Centra shop to get a coffee.
He gets his coffee and when he's getting back into his taxi he spots something on his back seat.
He has a look and there on the seat is a trendy jacket and in the pockets are a top of the range phone and
a pair of glasses."They must be that guy,s that I dropped off",thinks Waffler.
Only problem was Waffler only dropped him off at a corner so he
didn't know where he lived,so he decided to put them away till the next day.
Next day Waffler takes out the guy's phone and there's a few missed calls on it.
The one that caught his eye was a missed call from "Ma".
So Waffler decides to ring Ma.
The phone rings out.
Waffler tries again.
A hoarse y  voice answers,"Buggy,its about time you rang back".
Before Waffler can speak She says,"Am I on tonight ?".
"Hello,Is there anyone out there ?",Ma giggles into the phone.
Waffler clears his throat,"Ma I think I have your son's phone".
"What, Are you having a Giraffe ?",says Ma.
"I don't have any kids,is that you messing ,Buggy?",she says.
"No ,I'm the taxi driver who found Buggy's phone and I seen his Ma's
number so i decided to ring you to give the phone back",says Waffler.
"Ah ,hahaha",screams Ma in her hoarse voice.
"I'm not his Ma , I'm a Drag Queen in a Big club and me stage name is Ma,
Buggy is me manager haha",she laughs.

Ma told Waffler where Buggy lived and he dropped the phone back to him.
He told Buggy about the call to Ma and they both had a good laugh about it.

DAILY TALES.

Thursday 6.30 pm.
Waffler is dropping a fare off on Southside Dublin.
He pulls in to a car park to drop person off.
He's about to take off when he hears a banging noise coming from beside him.
There's no sign of anyone around.
He reverses taxi and there on his knees is this guy with a small lump hammer bashing a clamp
on his car.The guy looks around at Waffler and says."The effers clamped the Wife's car and they want
140 euros to release it,no way are we paying that".
Waffler nods to the guy and heads out of there.
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12.20 am. Friday.
Couple get in Waffler's taxi in O'Connell st and the girl is bawling her eyes out.
"What's wrong ,dear were your friends mean to you ?",the guy says.
The girl was so upset she could barely speak .
"Thanks for coming in to collect me",she sobs to the guy.
The girl starts trying to tell the guy why she was so upset but breaks down and asks to get out of Taxi.
Waffler pulls over and the guy pays and off they go.
Waffler pulls off and stops down the road at traffic lights and glances in the back seat and
a glitter catches his eye.
He pulls over and picks up a lovely ladies gold watch.
He turns around and heads up the road to find the couple and luckily they were still walking
close by.
He pulls over and gives the watch to the girl.
"Thanks so much",she sobs.
"No problem",says Waffler glad not to make her night any worse.
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Friday 3.15 am.
Waffler pulls into Temple bar looking for a fare.
There's a few people in a food joint so pulls over and waits.
A few minutes go by.
Next two big burly guys late 30 s come crashing out the door swinging punches.
The smaller of the two catches the bigger baldy guy square on the jaw.
Down Baldy goes on to the cobble stones in the middle of the road.
The smaller guy follows up with another punch that misses but he ends up falling on top
of the other guy.
They both get up and then Baldy throws a few punches that catch the other guy.
It ends up with the Baldy guy chasing the other guy around any Taxis that were parked
there.The Baldy guy is dripping blood from an eye wound and he thumps the top of a parked car and says,
"I am going to effing kill you when i get you".
Both guys are breathing pretty heavy.
The other guy's designer jumper was all ripped at the shoulder.
Next the chase is around Waffler's Taxi.
"Right this my cue to get out of here",thinks Waffler to himself.
Waffler takes off and they are still at it with not a copper in sight
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Friday 3.50 am.
Waffler drives along O'Connell st and a rough looking couple put there hand out.
"Will I,Won't I",says Waffler to himself.
He decides to take a chance and pulls over.
They get in and the guy is munching on a Big Mac.
They sit in the back seat.
"Take me up towards Crumlin ",says the girl.
"No bring me to Tallaght first",says the guy.
Waffler smelled a rat.
"Right I want money up front ",says Waffler.
"You pay",says the guy to the girl.
"I've no money",says the girl.
"You have 40 euros",he says.
"Eff off, I have nothing,you pay",she says.
"Right out yous get ",says Waffler.
"Eff off",says the guy to Waffler.
"Don't push ",says Waffler.
"Out now, or I'll have to put you out",says Waffler..
They get out eventually.
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Friday 5.05 am
Waffler drives down Capel st on the way home, when this pretty Blonde girl hails him.
"Can you take me to this hotel ?",she says to Waffler as she shows him the name of the Hotel
on her phone.
"How far away is it?",she says.
"Ten minutes",says Waffler.
"Thank you ",she says in her European accent.
A few minutes later her phone rings and Waffler hears a guy's voice.
"I'll be there in about 10 minutes ,Baby,I am now in Taxi",she says.
"What is your room number?",she says.
"Okay ,Baby,see you soon",she says.
Waffler drops her off at Hotel .
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Friday 5.20 am.
He drops into a shop ,gets his milk and heads home,puts on the Telly and sits down with his porridge.
"Peace at last",he says to himself.

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Friday 6.40 am.
Waffler wakes up on the armchair ,yawns and struggles up the stairs to bed.
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"YOU'RE LIKE JELLY".

Waffler drives along Dorset st and this big guy in a black wooly hat and black
leather jacket is standing on the road waving him down..

Waffler pulls over and the guy jumps in.
"Down towards Connolly station",he says.
They head down Gardiner st.
"I have a tip for a horse",he says.
"It's a 3 barrel name and I ca'nt remember the first 2 parts of the name",he says.
"That's helpful",thought Waffler.
"It's  plate",he says.   "What's that",says Waffler.

"The third word it's plate",he says '
"Plate",repeats Waffler.
"Yeah the thing you eat your dinner off,do you understand?",he says.
"I have a right one here",thinks Waffler.
"It's running from Fairyhouse",he says.
"I have lost a million over the years to the bookies",the guy says.
"I had 2 pubs and lost the lot on gambling",he says.
"You're in Fairyland",thinks Waffler about the guy.
"You're too soft for this game,you need toughen yourself up",the guy says to Waffler.
"Really,Do you think so?",says a puzzled Waffler.
"Yeah I am a tough nut myself and I can tell what people are like",he says.
"Which way ,now",says Waffler.
"Ah you've gone too far,turn around and go back",he says.
Waffler does a U ee.

"Up here",says the guy.
"Stop here",he says.
They pull outside a Hostel.




"I've been homeless for 14 years and I have finally been given my own place next week",he says.
He pays Waffler his fare and says,"Remember,toughen yourself up".
He extends his hand to Waffler to shake hands.

The guy squeezes Waffler's hand and Waffler nearly screams with the pain.
"Your hand is like Jelly",the guy says to Waffler.
"Okay",says Waffler,"I'm off to the gym tomorrow to toughen myself up".
The guy gets out of the Taxi and gives Waffler a playful jab on the shoulder.
"What a nutter",thinks Waffler to himself as he pulls away .

DAILY TALES.

Thursday 3 am.
Waffler is heading back into town after dropping a fare up to Tallaght.
He gets to Cork st and a person in a wooly hat and wooly cardigan is walking up the
road on the other side.Waffler sees its a guy as he gets closer.
The guy puts his hand out so Waffler stops and the guy walks over to the drivers window.
Waffler winds down his window. The guy who was wearing glasses,which were all steamed up
because of the cold weather says,"How much is it to Templeogue from here?".
"About 10 or 12 euros",says Waffler.
"No,I mean how much time to walk?",he says.
"Half hour",says Waffler.
"Do'nt suppose you fancy a Blow job", says the guy.
"No ,thanks,good luck",says Waffler as he speeds off towards town.
"Unbelievable",says Waffler to himself.
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Thursday 3.22 am.
Waffler drives in to town along Dame st and empty taxis everywhere.
He turns into Temple bar. Streets deserted.
He turns onto the quays and this young couple were standing there.
The girl waves him down and he pulls over.
The girl walks over to the taxi and opens the front passenger door.
She waves a ten euro note and says,"I need to get to a place past Clonee".
"That will cost about 30 plus euro",says Waffler.
"I only have a tenner and my friends have gone without me",she says.
"Has your boyfriend no money",says Waffler.
"Oh he's not my boyfriend ,i only met him tonight",she says.
"Sorry ,love,but its too far",says Waffler.
"Thanks anyway,your the eighth taxi I've tried",she says.
"Good luck,keep on trying you might get a taxi man that lives out that way on his way home",
says Waffler,"If you have no luck why do'nt you go to the 24hr Mac Donalds in o'Connell st and wait there for the first bus,you can always have a Happy meal".

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Thursday 3.35 am
Waffler crosses the Liffey onto the north quays and this couple wave him down.
"Third time lucky",thinks Waffler.
"Airport,please",they say.

"Phew,that's a relief",says Waffler to himself.

"HORN TABLETS"

Sunday night ,Waffler is queuing behind a few taxis in Portobello.
Across the road under a bus shelter 2 guys ,late 40 s, who looked liked a skinny
version of podge and rodge were having a smoke.
One of the guys gives Waffler a nod.
Waffler swings around his taxi and picks up the 2 guys.
The more sober guy gets in the front seat  and the other guy falls into the back seat.
"Right ,Bud,bring us down towards the quays",he says.
"Okey Dokey",says Waffler.
"Wacker,are you still with us?",says the guy in the front seat.
No response.
Waffler looks in his rear-view mirror at Wacker and his eyes are rolling in
their sockets.
After been called a few times Wacker pipes up,"Where are we Mack?".
"Do'nt bleeding start falling asleep on me ,Wacker",says Mack.
"It's not my fault,its them horn tablets you gave me,their not working down there,but their making me sleepy".,says Wacker.
"Do'nt be stupid,Wacker,it's all that gargle that has you like that",says Mack.
"That ghostie will kick in soon and you will be hyper."
Mack looks at Waffler and says,"Take us to an ATM on the way".
They pull up at the ATM  and Mack says to Wacker,"Right Wacker take out 200 euros".
"What for?",says Wacker who did'nt appear to be as sleepy with the mention of money.
"Just take it out its your turn to pay for something,I've been feeding you with gargle all day,
you hungry cant",says Mack,"We are going to need 150 for the Brazzer,so just get the dosh ".
Eventually he stumbles out of the back seat and goes over to the ATM .
"What's a ghostie?",says Waffler to Mack.
"Hang on till i show you",he says and takes out a small green pill out of his pocket.
"That,my friend is a ghost Ecstasy tablet ,keep your kids away from them",says the Mack.

"The last time I took 2 of them I was on holiday in Spain and I had to wear a nappy for 4 days afterwards".

With that Waffler looks in the back seat where Wacker was sitting fearing the worst.





No smell,No stain,"Phew",thought Waffler.
Then he takes out a blue pill and shows it to Waffler  and says,"That is a horn tablet,viagra".

"My friend has taken 2 horn tablets and a ghostie ".he says,"Speaking of, What's holding him up?".
"The Atm ",says Waffler laughing.They both look out and theres Wacker asleep against the cash machine.
Macker jumps out and goes over to Wacker who had fallen asleep holding his bank card.
They eventually take the money out and Mack stands Wacker against the wall and comes over to pay Waffler."Here you go ,Bud ,I am going to walk him the rest of the way to wake him up".
"Thanks",says Waffler as he takes the money off Mack,"Enjoy yourselves",he says laughing.
"Yeah",says Mack,"I do'nt think he will",pointing over at Wacker who was curled up on the ground fast asleep.
"Wacker,wake up........."