DUMBO

Panda drives down Bridge Street towards ,The Brazen Head (The Oldest Pub in Dublin and a Pub
Panda himself used to frequent on a regular basis many moons before .)
Taxi a voice rang out.
Panda stops and there's a couple standing there both about 50 ish..
The guy opens the door and bails into the back seat ,she follows and says,
You're some fecking gentleman,
What do you mean ,Nora ?,He says.
What do you mean,What do I mean ?,Nora says.
You got in first,Dumbo,That's What I mean,says Nora.
Where to ?says Panda.
Glasnevin says Dumbo.
Panda drives over the Liffey and up Church Street.
Sorry ,love says Dumbo.
Don't sorry me with your love says Nora.
Next there's a big pop from Dumbo.
You smelly fecker says Nora.
Panda opens the window for some fresh air.
You ,Dumbo , are sleeping in the spare room tonight,
I'm not putting up with your Elephant farts and snoring all night,she says.
But ,But,,,,,,,,,says Dumbo.
But But But,Don't But me,And don't try and sneak in 'cause the door will be locked, says Nora.
Panda drives on through Phibsborough and then up the Mobhi road.
Buddy ,I know a short cut up here says Dumbo.
Okay ,says Panda.
What shortcut are you talking about Dumbo ?she says.
The right up here he says.
Eh ,Hello ,That,s an Illegal turn she says  ,Don't mind that Gobshite she says to Panda.
Panda listens to Nora and drives straight on 'til they get to Their road.
Nora gets out first and says to Dumbo Pay the man his money.
Dumbo roots through his trouser pockets , then his Jacket pockets ,then
trousers again.
Panda had a pain in his rocks waiting for him to pay.
Next the door behind Panda, where Dumbo was sitting opens and
Nora grabs Dumbo by the ear and says ,Get out you Gobshite , I can't bring you
anywhere ,you always make a show of me .
Dumbo squeals with the pain.
Nora pays Panda and says,Sorry about him,but 4 pints of Guinness and he gets
very drunk.
Panda thanks Nora and heads off , glad to be rid of Smelly Dumbo.

MUSCLES AND MASCARA

One quiet night in August,Panda drives down Aungier St in his Taxi.
He drives onto Georges St and the traffic is moving very slowly
as it always does on this Street.
Taxis are crawling down the Street.
Panda's Taxi stops adjacent to, The George,
a well known Gay Pub and Club.
Suddenly a Guy in a Beige Mackintosh overcoat runs
from a lane beside the Pub with a frightened look on his face.
"Your man looks like Columbo ," thinks Panda.

Next running a few metres behind "Columbo" is this big
muscular lady dressed in Beige trousers,big Brown Boots
and a purple vest.She has a very determined look on her face,
which is wet with Black Mascara running down it.
Her upper arms were well sculpted.
Columbo runs around the front of Panda's Taxi ,
then around to the back.
She stands at the front of the Taxi.
Muscles says," Wait till I get my hands on you,You little Weasel."
Columbo says,"Sorry, I didn't know that was your Girlfriend."
Muscles says," You will be sorry."
She makes a run around the back of Taxi towards Columbo,
He screams and runs to the Front of Panda's Taxi.
Just as He gets to the front he slips and lands on the ground.
When he stands up,Muscles is waiting for him.

"BANG,BANG," She hits him with a left then a right and
Columbo falls onto Panda's Taxi.
Muscles turns and walks away.
Panda gets out of his Taxi to help Columbo.
Columbo's nose is bloodied and swollen.
Columbo says ,"Can you take me to Hospital ?"
Panda says ,"No problem,Buddy".
Panda helps him into his Taxi.
Columbo groans as he gets into the Taxi.
Columbo says," She beat me bad".
Panda says," She sure did,What was it all about?"
Columbo says," I was inside the Club talking to a woman and
we were having a great laugh,Then Muscles came along and told me to get lost,
So I told her to get lost,Then she pushed me.
I got annoyed with her so I threw my drink into her face
and then I ran ."
As Panda pulled the Taxi away from the Scene he
saw Muscles with her head bowed and some little woman (maybe her girlfriend)
wagging her finger at her and giving out to her.
Panda says,"I can bring you to St James Hospital if you want ?"
Columbo says," No,No, Its okay ,Bring me home,I don't want to spend all night waiting there,I'll go to my own Doctor in the morning".
Panda says ," Are you sure, you're pretty busted up?"
Columbo says ,"No home it is,I can't tell anyone I was battered by a woman ."
Colombo burst out laughing.
Columbo then says ," If I don't laugh I'll cry ."
Panda then burst out laughing.
They both laughed most of the way home to the Guy's house.
When Colombo was getting out of the Taxi ,
He says to Panda," I'll be careful who I chat up next time ."
Panda says ," Just make sure she hasn't got a Jealous Girlfriend ."
They both laughed as they parted ways.

CLOSE SHAVE,

One Quiet night and Panda is driving down North Circular road ,
at about 11.30 pm when out of the corner of his eye he sees a guy
running from a side street with his arm outstretched shouting ,"TAXI !".
Panda stops,The guy who was wearing White Trousers,White Shirt ,Tan Leather
Jacket and Tan cowboy Boots jumps in.
"Sir,How much will it be to Ashbourne ? ", the guy asks Panda.
"Roughly,I would say about 35 Euro ", says Panda.
" Okay ,lets go so",says the guy.
"I have to go to see my friend ",says the guy.
"Where are you from ?", asks Panda.
" I am from West Africa ", says the guy.
"Are you from Dublin ?", he asks Panda.
" Yes,born here a long long time ago ",says Panda smiling.
" Ha Ha,I love you Irish ,you always are so friendly",says the Guy.
"My name is Patrick and I see your name is Panda  ",says Patrick
looking at Panda's I.D..
"How did you end up with an Irish name ?", says Panda.
"Where I grew up there where Irish Priests in our village
and my parents liked a priest called Father Patrick , and actually
there were a few boys in my village called Patrick after him ",
says Patrick laughing.
" That must have been confusing", says Panda.
"Ha Ha ,yes it was so we had a Paddy ,a Pat,and a Patrick (me)".
says Patrick laughing,"
" That's gas, ?",says Panda.
"Ha Ha,Some of my Irish friends just
call me Paddy ",says Patrick.
Panda glides up the Finglas road past Glasnevin, then Finglas
and past Charlestown and onto the Motorway.
After about 20 minutes Panda takes the exit for Ashbourne.
"It is not too far from the Town ",says Patrick.
Patrick's phone starts Buzzing.
"Hallo,",He says.
" Paddy,I am in Ashbourne now",Patrick says to the phone.
"I will be there in your house in 5 minutes ", says Patrick,
" No , I am not lying ,wait I will put you on loudspeaker and
the Taxi man will tell you the Truth ", says Patrick.
Patrick puts the Phone on speaker and Panda says,"Yes
We are in Ashbourne ".
"Thank you ,Sir ",says the voice on the phone.
"Just left here ,now a right ,and one more please ",says Patrick.
" Here, stop here,Panda ",says Patrick.
Panda stops the Taxi, then the meter.
Patrick hands Panda 35 Euro.
"Keep the change,now I wonder can you do me a favour ?", says
Patrick to Panda.
" Yes ,what is it ?", asks Panda.
"I am just going in to my friends to collect some money he owes
me and also he said he needed to see me about some problem
that is why i got Taxi up Here now ",says Patrick.
"Can you wait no longer than 15 minutes and I can come back to
Dublin with you,It will be a good fare ?", says Patrick to Panda.
"Yeah,sounds good ", says Panda,"If I don't see you coming after
15 minutes I will head off".
"Thank you,Thank you ",says Patrick as He rolls out of the Taxi.
Patrick walks up to a house which was about 100 metres up the road.
Panda turns the Taxi around and leaves the engine running while
He waits for Patrick.
5 minutes and all is quiet, not a sinner around.
Panda listens to Luke Kelly

belting out " Raglan road", on his CD player.

10 minutes and Luke is onto ," The Old Triangle ", Panda is singing along.
15 minutes and Panda looks in his rear view mirror and there's no sign
of Patrick.
"Ah, I'll give him another 5 minutes ", says Panda to himself.
"Bang",is what Panda hears first.
He looks in the Mirror and there is a bin bouncing off the ground,
and there;s Patrick running around the Bin with his Jacket in his
hand and his white shirt all unbuttoned ,the belt on his trousers
open and flapping against him as he ran.

He seemed like he was hopping up and down as he ran.
Next just behind him 2 big baldy white guys came running after him.

"Panda,Panda,Help me please !!", screams Patrick.
Panda put his Taxi in reverse and the car screeched as it flew
back towards Patrick.
Panda flew past Patrick and the 2 guys jumped out of the way.
" That wasn't planned ",thought Panda.
He put the car into first and flung open the door and helped
to pull Patrick inside.
Patrick had 1 of his Boots in his hand when he was jumping in but it
fell out.
"My Boot,My Boot,", screams Patrick.
Panda looks in his mirror and the 2 Baldies were only a few metres behind
them.
"Forget about your boot", says Panda to Patrick.
With that Patrick flung the door flew open and  scooped his Boot up
off the ground.
One of the Baldies appeared at the door and grabbed Patrick but Panda
put his foot on the accelerator and the car took off like a rocket.
Baldy bounced on to the ground.
"Thank God for the Turbo", says Panda.
"Thank God for you,Panda, you saved me ", says Patrick.
"Only doing my job",says Panda relieved they had got away.
"What happened back there,Patrick ?", says Panda.
"That was more than your job,you could have left me ,Thank you so
much", says Patrick.
"My friend caught me in a trap, He betrayed me", says Patrick.
"He has been selling his body for awhile now ,I told him he was
crazy and it is very dangerous ", says Patrick.
"He never told me he had company ,
When I  went in to the house he was on his own in the Kitchen and
then these 2 Big Baldy guys came out of nowhere and they offered me
money to be with them", says Patrick.
" I told them no and they said not to be like that ".
" One of them pulled my Jacket off then opened my Shirt
and then my Belt,He then carried me onto a sofa and held me down,
The other one started to take off my Boots,When He got one off
I knew I Had to fight to escape,My so called friend ran up the stairs
crying and saying, Sorry Patrick,Then one of them followed him upstairs
so I grabbed the guy by the nuts and squeezed them so hard that the guy
fell to his knees wincing with the pain and then I grabbed my Boot and ran".
"Jaysus, you really like them Boots, don't you ?", says Panda laughing.+
Patrick's phone starts Buzzing .
"I don't believe it ", He says , " It,s my friend ".
"Why did you do that to me ,I am not like that ",He says to his friend.
"I am going to Garda for you", He says.
"Will you be safe with them people ", he says, "Tell them if they harm you
I can identify them ".
He hangs up the Phone.
"Right let's go to the Garda Station ",says Panda.
" No please ,My friend says they are sorry that they thought I was like my friend",
says Patrick.
"Okay ,your choice ,Patrick ,let's get you back home ", says Panda.
"When I came to this country I had nothing, Now Have a Job,
rent my own flat and I have some nice clothes and these Boots,I love them,

They are the most expensive thing I own , so now you understand why
I had to rescue them ",says Patrick smiling.
"Yes,I understand ", says Panda.
They get back to Dublin and Patrick pays Panda.
"Thank you, My Friend, Goodbye ",says Patrick as he waves at Panda as
he gets out of the Taxi.

WOOF WOOF

Tuesday night at 1a.m. and there's not much happening.
Panda drops off a fare in Temple Bar and is heading up towards
Christchurch when this guy ,who is standing beside a public phone box,
sticks his hand out for Panda's Taxi .

Being a Taxi -Driver you develop an instinct of who to pick up
and who to pass by ,but you don't always listen to your
internal alarm.
Panda didn't listen to his and he stopped for the guy.
The guy opened the back door and stepped back towards
the Phone -box and let out a whistle.
"Bruno",He shouts.
Next thing there is a big dog on the back seat behind Panda panting.

Panda is afraid to make a move.
The guy jumps in says,"Take me to Lucan".
Panda says,"Sorry ,Buddy I can't take you with the Dog".
"What do you mean you can't take the Dog", says the guy.
Panda sat frozen in his seat afraid to move as Bruno's
face was inches away.
"Ah ,For feck sake your the tenth Taxi to refuse me",He says.
"Sorry,I have a fear of dogs",says Panda.
"Actually I'd be more afraid of you than the Dog ",thought Panda.
"I'll pay you double the fare", says the guy.
"Sorry ,I can't", says Panda.
Bruno was panting heavy at the back of Panda's seat.
Eventually after what seemed like ages The Guy opened
the Door and got out and whistled for Bruno.
Bruno had a last look at Panda before he got out.
"Sorry Bruno,its not you but your mate",said Panda.

CASHBACK

Panda is driving along Dorset st one Thursday night when he stops at a
Red Traffic light at the Junction of Gardiner st.
Thin Lizzy are belting out ,"The Boys are back in Town ", on  the Radio.
Panda is rocking along with the song when He gets a tap on the window.
Panda jumps with a start and looks to the window and standing there is this enormous
guy gesturing to get in.
Panda unlocks the door and the guy opens the door and says to Panda ,
"Pull back that seat".
Panda obliges and the guy gets in.
"Take me to Dublin 8", says the big guy.
Panda does a U-e (U-turn) and heads towards D8.
"Where in D8 are you going ?", says Panda to the guy.
"Just drive and I will show you", says the guy.
"Do you have a card machine ?", says the guy to Panda.
" Yes indeed I do", says Panda.
"Okay so,I will be looking for 40 Euro cashback ",says the guy.
Panda looks at the guy.
" I don't do cashback ,Buddy, you'll have to go to a shop for that ", says Panda.
 The guy gets all annoyed and says ," What do you mean,no cashback ,I got it before ".
"No can do", says Panda.
They had reached D8 at this stage.
"You should have turned back there", says the guy.
"You were supposed to tell me ", says Panda.
" I told you Dublin 8", says the guy.
" Yes, that's where we are ", says Panda.
" Just pull over here", says the guy in a rage.
"10 euro , please ", says Panda.
The guy gives Panda a card .
" I want my cashback ", says the guy.
"I can't  do that ,Buddy.", says Panda.
Panda puts the card in and it comes up invalid.
"That is very strange ", says the guy in a rage.
Panda hands him back the card.
The guy starts rooting through all his pockets looking for some cash.
Eventually after going through each pocket twice he magically
produces a 20 note.
"You are very lucky ", he shouts at Panda.
" Calm down , There's no need to be so aggressive ", says Panda.
"You are very rude ", says the guy.
" Me rude, how do you make that out ?", says Panda.
" You would not agree to cashback ", says the guy.
" What would you have done if i did not pay you,
Ring the guards,I do not give a fxxk ",says the guy.
Panda gives him his change and the guy gets out and tries to slam
the door but Panda anticipated it and caught the door in time.

The guy looks around when the expected bang does'nt happen.
Panda smiles at him and pulls away.
"Never a dull moment ", Panda smiles to himself.

Good Friday,
Panda drives down through Harold's Cross at about 11.50 pm.
He sees a couple with a buggy and a young toddler sitting at a Bus stop.
As He gets closer the Baldy guy jumps up and  juts out his hand .
Panda pulls up and gets out to help .
"Just throw that Buggy in the Boot", says Baldy.
Panda tries to fold it but has no joy.
The woman gets in the back seat with the Baby and the Toddler.
"I can't fold this buggy",says Panda to Baldy.
Baldy looks at Panda and says ,"How do you expect me to know ?".
Panda looks at Baldy and realizes he is hammered.
"Just squeeze it in there Buddy,Your the Taxi Driver, You should know",says Baldy.
Panda forces it in and they get  into the Taxi.
Baldy sits in the front passenger seat.
" Can you put the seat belt on the kids, please ", says Panda.
"Where to?", says Panda.
"We are going to Dublins Northside", says Baldy.
" We had a choice,Do we get a Curry or a Taxi,
So we chose a Taxi,lucky for you ",says Baldy.
"Yeah ,Cheers for that ", says Panda.
They head down Harolds Cross road and go over the Canal bridge when
Baldy says, "Ah thats great We're back on the Northside ".
Panda looks at him and shrugs his shoulders.
Baldie's wife lets out a roar," Baldy,you are some eejit ,Thats only the Canal
We've gone over ,not the Liffey".
Baldy looks at Panda,and holds  his hands out to be slapped.
As they drive down Clanbrassil st the toddler jumps up and starts bouncing up and
down on the seat.
Panda pulls over and asks Baldie's wife to put her back in seat belt.
Panda drives on and  suddenly he gets an awful whiff.
Baldy lowers his window and says," Sorry about the smell , but its not me".
" I would have loved a curry ,but it was too far to walk home", says Baldy.
" Where were you tonight ?", says Panda between breaths of fresh air.
"We were  at the Greyhound racing tonight ",says Baldy.
"Yeah", pipes up the woman in the Back,"There were a load of blokes there".
"They kept eyeing me up ",she says.
Panda looks in the rear view mirror at her and thinks to himself,
"I don't think so ,love".
" I'm blooming starving ", says Baldy.
"You'll have to settle for a bit of toast ", says Baldie's Missus.
"I wanted a curry ,Love but you would'nt walk home", says Baldy.
" Oh shut up ", she says.
They cross over the Liffey and Panda waits for Baldy to celebrate
but theres nothing coming from him and his eyes are half closed.
They finally get to their Destination and Baldy takes ages to pay Panda.
"Can I owe you 2 Euros ",says Baldy.
"Yes, you can pay me the next time you see me ",says Panda sarcastically.
Panda struggles to get the Buggy out of the Boot.
Eventually he gets it out .
They start to walk away and as Panda is about to close the Boot He remembers he has a few Easter
eggs he bought earlier.
He grabs one and says to Baldy ,
"Here give that egg to the child".
Baldy grabs the egg and puts it quickly into a bag so the child would not see it
and says ," That will do me nicely instead of a curry ".
"Good luck",says Panda as he jumps in his Taxi and drives off..

DIFFERENT STROKES/DIFFERENT BLOKES.

THURSDAY 10 PM,
Panda is driving up Blackhall Place and sees 2 lads(40 ish) walking down the road
holding each other up.
Just as he goes past them ,one of them shoots out his hand so Panda jams on.
One lad stumbles into the back seat and the other tries to get in with him but
he tells him to get in the front with Panda.
The 2 lads just sit in their seats silently.
"Where to ,lads ?",says Panda breaking the silence.
"Take us up to the front of Heuston Station ,Buddy",says the guy in the front.
Panda spins around and crosses over the James Joyce Bridge and turns onto Usher Island
and just as he goes onto Victoria Quay He feels something brushing off his face.
"Take that",says the guy in the back seat.
Panda looks slightly to his left and he sees a 20 Euro note stretched out in the guys hand.
"Seamus ,put that away I'll pay the fare",says the guy in the Front.
"Take it", says Seamus keeping the note at Panda's cheek.
Seamus then puts his hand on Panda's shoulder.
"Buddy, sit back there and wait till we get there to sort it out",says Panda.
"Yeah,Seamus ,sit back ",says the guy in the front.
Seamus takes his hand off  Panda but keeps the 20 note beside his cheek.
They pull up outside Heuston station and Panda is relieved that it was only
a short journey.
"How much ,Buddy", says the guy in the front who had stepped out.
"Take it",says Seamus with his arm still outstretched.
"Seamus ,I have this I told you ,put that away",says the guy in front.
"Don't take that off Seamus", he says.
"7 euro, please", says Panda.
The guy hands Panda a tenner and tells him to keep the change.
"Right ,Seamus,come on, get out of the Taxi ",says the guy.
"Whats wrong with my money ?",says Seamus with the 20 note still outstretched.
"It's all sorted ",says Panda.
His friend opens the back door and says," Come on,Seamus".
Seamus pushes him away.
"Take my money", says Seamus.
"Seamus ,its all sorted ,you'll be glad of that money in the morning",says Panda.
"Take it,   I have loads of money",says Seamus.
"Take it ",says his friend.
"Okay ,will i give you this tenner back",says Panda.
"No ,take it all",says Seamus.
"Okay,if you insist ", says Panda.
Panda pulls away happy with the nice tip he got.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
SATURDAY 9.30 pm.
Panda is driving past the Walkinstown roundabout and 2 lads (40 ish)
waiting at a bus stop stretch their arms out.
Panda looks in his mirror to make sure there was no Bus behind.
He pulls over and they stumble into the back seat.
"Alright,Bud",one of them says to Panda.
"Bring us to a Strip club ", the other guy says.
The aroma of alcohol was quite strong.
"Yeah , Bring us to Dame st",says the first guy.
Panda heads off down past the Halfway House pub and then onto the
Drimnagh road .
"Turn up the volume",says one of the lads,"We want to get in the mood".
Panda pumps up the Volume.
As Panda drives down the Crumlin road the Boys are bouncing in the back seat.
A slower song comes on as they go onto Cork street.
The bouncing stops.
There's a few slurred words exchanged between the guys.
Panda gets to the bottom of Cork st, past Luke's ave then onto Dean st.
"Silence is Golden",Panda is humming to himself.
He looks in the rear -view mirror and there's no sign of the 2 guys.
He gets to Christchurch and stops at a red Traffic light.
He turns around and the 2 lads are conked out.
One of them has his head slumped forward and the other is lying sideways.
"Here we go", says Panda to himself.
Panda arrives at Dame st and pulls over.
The 2 lads are snoring the heads off.
"Lads,here we are",says Panda several times.
He opens all windows and pumps up the volume.
Not a move from the 2 boys.
Panda shakes one of their shoulders.
The guy opens one eye.
Then closes it.
He shakes him again.
Two eyes open,then close again.
People walking by are looking in and having a laugh.
Panda decides on more drastic action so he flicks some water from his bottle
onto the guys face.
The guy jumps up all alert.
Then the other guy wakes up.
"Right ,lads that's 14 euro", says Panda.
" Just give him a fiver", says one of the guys.
The guy tries to hand Panda a fiver.
"Show me the money",says Panda.
They eventually pay Panda the right amount.
" Right, Where's the Brazzers ?,", says one of the guys.
"The Club is just around that corner", says Panda pointing.
They eventually get out of the Taxi.
"They won't be getting in anywhere tonight",thinks Panda to himself.
"They'll be lucky to get into Mc Donalds",thinks Panda chuckling to himself.