Sunday, 12 July 2015

BIMBO LOVES HIS FRY.

Bimbo is a taxi driver from the Northside of Dublin.
Every morning while Bimbo is snoring in bed before work ,
His missus,Barbara,rolls out of bed and goes off to the Kitchen to make
Bimbo his daily fry of Rashers ,Sausages,Eggs,Beans and fried bread.
Once Bimbo smells that aroma climbing up the stairs to his bedroom ,
He doesn't need much encouragement to roll out of bed.
"Ah,That was lovely,Babs ",says Bimbo on his way out the door to work.
He jumps in his car and away to work he goes.
One Hour goes by,and not a sign of a job.
" Bit slow this morning", thinks Bimbo to himself.
Another hour goes by and not one person waves him over.
"Ah ,this is ridiculous ",He roars to himself in the taxi.
He gives his mate,Flossie, a ring and says,"Flossie,Are you working ?".
"Yes ,I am indeed ",says Flossie.
"Flossie ,are you busy,I can't get a job at all and I've been out ages",says Bimbo.
"Yeah,I've been kept busy all morning ,Bimbo ",says Flossie.
"Right,Floss,I'll soldier on,,,,,,,talk to you later",says Bimbo.
Bimbo pulls up at a Centra shop and goes in for a Coffee.
He drinks the coffee and thinks to himself ,"Right back to work ,My luck has to change".
He leaves the shop and walks back to his taxi and stops dead  in his tracks.
"I don't believe it,you are a fecking gobshite,Bimbo",he says to himself .
He had forgot to put his Taxi roof sign on his car  when he started work earlier.
"No wonder i got no fares,no one knew I was a Taxi ", He says to himself.
He throws on his roof sign and goes off hunting for work.
As he drives through Ranelagh a little Oriental women standing outside a
Restaurant puts her hand out.
"A job at last", thinks Bimbo to himself.
Beside her were 2 Black plastic bags so Bimbo jumps out of the Taxi and opens the door
for the woman and says," I'll throw your bags in the Boot".
The woman just smiles at Bimbo as she gets into the Taxi.
Bimbo grabs the 2 heavy bags and throws them into the boot.
"Hope she's going to the Airport ", thinks Bimbo.
"Where you off to,Love ,?".says Bimbo to the woman.
She hands him a bit of paper with an Address on it and says,"Me no speak much English".
"No problem",says Bimbo as he looks at the bit of paper.
"I don't believe it",says Bimbo.
On the piece of paper was an Address in Rathmines which was only up the road.
"It's not my day",thinks Bimbo to himself.
He drives to the address and the woman pays him the 5 euro fare.
She thanks him and gets out of the car.
"The bags",says Bimbo.
"Huh",says the woman.
Bimbo jumps out of the taxi and and goes to boot of the taxi and opens it.
"Ugh ",says Bimbo as he got a stink from the bags.
"Your bags",he says to the woman as he puts his hand over his nose to
block out the smell of rotten fish.
"Me no bags",says the woman and smiles and walks away.
"You are a right gobshite ",Bimbo roars at himself.
Turns out the bags were garbage from a Restaurant in Ranelagh that the woman just happened to be
standing beside when Bimbo picked her up.
Bimbo had to bring the bags off to dispose of them and then had to go and get the boot
of his car cleaned to get rid of the stink.

"What a day",thinks Bimbo,"Ah well at least Me Fry was the best part of the day".

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

"HOW'S YOUR THING".

Driving along the Quays one quiet Sunday night at about 2 a.m.
Bem spots someone out of the corner of his eye.
It's a girl and she bends down to look in the Taxi.
Bem stops about 50 metres past the person thinking he has a fare.
He looks in his rear view mirror and he sees the  girl with long brown
hair waddling up behind him in her high heels.
She stops abreast of the front passenger window but does not try
to get in the Taxi.
Bem lowers the window and says,"Sorry, I thought you were looking for a Taxi".
She says,"No ,I am waiting for my friend,I thought you were him".
"Okay, No problem ",says Bem as He looks at the Girl ,He realises She is a Ladyboy.
Just as he is about to pull away ,She leans on the window of the taxi and says,"You want to turn around and come back to my Apartment for some fun".
"No,Thanks", says Bem.
With that she stares straight at Bem's nether region and says,"How's your Thing ?".
"Huh", says Bem.
"Your Thing,How is it?",She points and laughs.
"Get outta here ",says Bem laughing.
She steps back from the Taxi and Bem pulls away leaving her to wait for her friend.
"


Sunday, 7 June 2015

TAXI-TRIPPING.


 Driving along the North Circular road one night at about 11 pm,
2 Guys flag down Bem's Taxi.
1 Guy gets in the Front seat and
the other in the back seat.
The guy in the Back says to Bem ,"Honey,Can you take us to the Panti Bar ,please ?".
"Okey Dokey",says Bem.
The guy in the back starts playing with his phone.
The guy in the front who was wearing Sunglasses says to Bem,
"Where are you going ,tonight yourself ?".
Bem looks at the guy and says,"Bringing you to the Panti Bar".
They go a few hundred metres down the road and the guy again asks the
same Question," Where are you going tonight yourself ?".
"I could be anywhere ,Buddy, I,m working ", says Bem.
The guy twice more asks the same Question.
The guy in the back seat then says,"Perry,leave the Taxi man alone,
You've asked the same question 4 times now".
"What,Oh have I. ?",says Perry.
"Sorry,Honey",says Perry to Bem.
They turn around the corner and Perry starts again,
"Where are you going tonight yourself ?"
Bem ignores him and then says,
"Where are you going Tonight yourself ?".
Perry then turns to the guy in the back seat and says,
"Honey,Where are we going Tonight ?".
"Panti Bar,Sweetie", he says back to him.
The Guy was like a Parrot for the rest of the journey asking the same Question
over and over again.
Bem was relieved when they finally get to the Panti Bar.
He pulls the Taxi in front of Traffic lights outside the Panti Bar.
The guy in the Back says to Perry,
"Will you pay the Taxi man for the fare?".
Perry is sitting still in the cab with his seat-belt still on, staring
straight ahead and he says,"Okay".But he sits in the seat without moving.
"Perry are you paying the man or what ?",says the other guy.
"Yeah",says Perry.
Perry stills sits there without moving.
"Perry we're here ,We're at the Panti Bar",says the other guy who had got out of the cab,
and took out his purse.
"It's Okay ,Perry, I'll pay ,otherwise We'll be here all night".
Perry finally comes out of his trance and gets out of the cab and says,
"No,I'll pay ".
Perry proceeds to search his 2 front pockets,then his 2 back pockets
then back to his front 2 pockets.
"Can ,you pay,I can't find my money ",says Perry.
The other guy rolls his eyes up to the sky and apologises to Bem.
Finally Bem is paid and as he pulls away he thinks to himself,
"Jaysus,That was some trip that guy was on,and it's not the Taxi trip I'm thinking of".






Saturday, 21 February 2015

DON'T MESS WITH THE BEAR

Bear has been driving a Taxi in Dublin for over 25 years .
He attained that nickname from childhood as he was big for his age .
When he boxed as a junior he would often be put in with boys 2 or 3 years
older and would win some of the fights.
He reached the final of the Dublin boxing leagues and the guy he
met was a couple of years older but the Bear gave him a great fight
only to lose by Majority Decision.
Bear was as soft as a Teddy Bear but if you crossed him he could be like a Grizzly Bear.
One Thursday evening the Bear picked up a fare and got a
run out to Malahide.
Bear was happy enough as it was a good fare.
After dropping off his passenger he headed back towards The City Centre.
It started to rain down heavily.
As he passed through a rough area near the City Centre,
A guy in a tracksuit and hoody put out his hand for Bear's Taxi.
Bear's gut instinct was not to stop.
But he thought ,"What the Hell ", and pulled over for the Guy.
The guy gets in the Back seat left of Bear.
The guy tells Bear to go to a particular road, which wasn't that far away.
The Bear looks in his rear-view mirror and the guy has his hood still up
and is looking downwards which prevented Bear from getting a good look
at him.
"Buddy ", says Bear,"Pull down your hood ".
The Taxi had already began to drive down the road.
"What, No I'm just feeling cold ",says the guy.
Bear thought to himself ,"Right ,I'm just going to get this guy to his destination
A.S.A.P."
Suddenly the guy slid behind Bear .
Bear released his seat-belt.
The guy produced a knife and attempted to grab Bear around the head.
Bear is baldy so there was no hair to grab onto.
Bear swung his left elbow and smacked the guy in the Jaw.
The guy was poleaxed and fell sideways onto the back seat.
Bear kept driving and pulled

down a back lane.
The guy was moaning,"I didn't mean it ,I needed the money,I'm Sorry".
"You will be ",says Bear as he pulled him by his ankles out of the cab.
Bear boxed the head off the guy,Right hooks, Left hooks and a few uppercuts
finished off the guy.
Bear took the guy's money and his phone and took off The guy's expensive Trainers
and threw them over a Wall.
As the guy lay on the ground moaning, Bear was tempted to lay in to him more ,
But with his Boxing discipline he left it at that.
Just before he pulled away he went over to the guy and growled,
"DON'T MESS WITH THE BEAR ".
On his way back into Town he stopped at a Bin and threw the Guy's phone
and knife into it.
He treated himself to Eddie Rockets with the £20 he took off the Guy.
As he tucked into his burger he smiled to himself and thought,
"I Mugged the Mugger ".