LIGHTS OUT

Waffler was out one Friday working away when his belly started
rumbling so he thinks to himself,"Right i am off for some grub".
As he was near Baggot st he decided to head to Burger King.
So he pulls up in his old Mercedes c180 and parks it
outside the Burger joint and a guy asks him if he was available.
"Nah ,i am Lee Marvin ",he says to the guy,patting his stomach as he headed inside.
There's not too many people inside.
"Yes ,sir,can i help you?",says the guy at the counter.
"Can i have a Chicken Royale meal ,please,says Waffler.
 "Medium or Large and what to drink ,sir ?",says the guy.
"Medium and give us a Latte,please",says Waffler.
Waffler paid the guy ,took his food and sat down in a seat
facing the front door.
Waffler eats a couple of chips and is about to unwrap his Chicken
Baguette when in walks this young Garda.
He looks at Waffler and says,"Is that your Taxi outside?".
Waffler looks up and says ,"Yes ,Why whats wrong?".
"Can you step outside for a minute ,sir?",the cop says.
Waffler gets up and thinks,"There's no way i am leaving my food there".
He picks up his tray and follows the young cop outside.
"What's the problem ?",he says to the cop.
The cop is standing at the back of the taxi and says,
"There's only one of your lights working at the back and the same at the front".
Waffler is flabbergasted,,"WTF",he thinks to himself.
Waffler looks at the cop and says,"They're my parking lights i left on,Are you serious?".
"Can you put on your ignition and put on your lights properly ?",says the cop stone-faced.
"Okay",says Waffler scratching his head as he left his meal on the roof on the Taxi.
He puts on his lights and the cop walks around the car checking the lights.
"Okay,sir,everything seems to be in order",says the cop.
Waffler gets out of his taxi and looks at the cop as he walks away.
 There across the road is a police car with a few cops who are in convulsions.
One of them waves to Waffler to go over to them .
Waffler goes over and the cop says,"Sorry  about that ,that cop is only a rookie and
we were just winding him up,we sent him in to you.".
Waffler seen the funny side of it and chuckled to himself as he grabbed his meal and went back
inside and finished his grub.
"Mmmmm,this is nice",he laughed to himself.. ..

 THE ITALIAN JOB 

Dotty was driving his taxi through Dublin city center when he gets a
call from his dispatcher on his radio,"Driver 3",she says.
"Driver 3 here,go ahead",says Dotty.
"Driver 3,can you go to that Italian restaurant in Dame st and pick up a fare",
"Roger that ",says Dotty.
Dame st is a very busy street and it can be difficult to get somewhere
to park which Dotty found as he got to the restaurant.
A Garda(police) car had just pulled outside the restaurant as Dotty
approached so Dotty had to pull up in front of them.
One of the Garda got put of their car and went into the shop beside the
restaurant.
"Probably on a coffee break ", says Dotty to himself.
Dotty put on his hazard lights, as he was parked on double yellow lines,
and jumps out of the taxi and signaled to the other garda who was in the car that
he would be just a minute.
Dotty goes in to the restaurant and tells the Waitress he was there to
pick up some people to bring to a Hotel.
"One moment,please",she says as she walked over to a table where
there was a couple sitting.

The man was a guy about 65 years old and looked like a Don.
The girl was about 20 years old and she was gorgeous.
Dotty was smitten.
The waitress spoke to them in Italian and then came over to Dotty and
said,"they will be out to you in a moment,they have very little English."
Dotty goes outside and the garda car is still there behind him.
He gets in his car and looks in his rear view mirror and the garda
comes out of the shop with 2 coffees and gets in the garda car.
Then just as the garda closes the car door behind him, out comes
the Italian couple who proceed to get into the garda car.
"Oh no", says Dotty ,who jumps out of the car and goes back to the
garda car where one of the garda is trying to explain that they
were not a taxi but a police car.
"Mamma mia ",says Dotty.
They all stop and look out at Dotty.
"Taxi",says Dotty pointing at his taxi
One of the garda says,"Thats the first time we've had anyone get voluntarily into our car"..
Everyone starts laughing as the couple climb out of the car and go with
Dotty to his taxi.
Dotty drops them to their Hotel and the guy says ,"Grazie",as he hands Dotty
a nice tip
"That was a great Italian Job "thought Dotty as he looked at the 20 euro tip he got..








 .

Bunny Baer

"All my live s a circle",sang Bunny,as he went around the block
one more time in his taxi.
"This is brutal ",he says to himself in the taxi,"Not a sign of a customer anywhere".
"Flip this",says Bunny,"i m off for a coffee."
Bunny heads down the canal and turns on to Baggot st to the Coffee shop.
There is already a few of his colleagues there ,all drinking their coffee.
Bunny finds a space for his car and parks up.
Now for the tricky part as Bunny always struggled to climb out of his car.
Bunny weighed about 26 stone and had a huge Belly ,which gave him a lot of problems when he was driving as the steering wheel rubbed off his belly.
He tried putting his seat back away from the steering wheel but unfortunately
his little legs could not reach the pedals so he had to put up with his belly squashed against the steering wheel,when he turned corners he had to take a deep breath and hold his belly in.
Anyway he rolled out of the car,picked his belly up and waddled towards the shop. A few lads outside greeted him,one of them says "Alright 2 bellies,hows it going"?
"Same shit,different day",says Buddy.
In he goes to the shop and gets his coffee and a Yorkie bar(his Favourite)
Crowds of mostly lads are hanging around drinking their coffee.
This lady walks in ,gets a coffee and stands beside Bunny.
"Its very slow out there ",says Bunny.Before she can answer,Bunny says,
"I ve been out for the last four and a half hours and all i have got is twenty seven euro."
"Have you been out long yourself?",he says to her.
"About an hour and a half ",she says.
"How are you doing yourself?",Bunny says.
"Not bad", she says,"I have 150 euro."
"Holy shit",says Bunny ,"what am i doing wrong?".
And before she can answer Bunny waddles out of the shop.
All the lads in the shop heard what was being said and they were in fits of laughter.The Lady was in fact a hooker,but poor oul Bunny assumed she was a taxi driver.

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MAGOO

One night (a good few years ago),Magoo was driving his cab past a well known 

college in South Dublin when he was hailed by a few guys.

He pulls up and one of the guys is helped into the seat behind Magoo.

He has on a long trench-coat ,straw like hat and a pair of sunglasses,
and a scarf around his neck.

Magoo says ,"Hey ,lads ,Is your friend Ok?"

"Yeah ,don't worry he wont get sick ,he is just dead sleepy",said one of the

guys laughing nervously as he got in the back with the sleepy guy.

One other guy got in the front seat beside Magoo.

"Where to lads?".

"Dead straight",says the guy in the front says and they burst out laughing,

except for the guy with the sunglasses who was dead still with his head leaning

against the window behind Magoo.

"Whats with the sunglasses on your mate?",says Magoo.

The lads cant stop laughing and the guy awake in the back says,

"Ah don't mind him hes a deadbeat".

They eventually get to their destination and Magoo pulls over to the side of the 

road and the guy in the front says,"We're getting out here ,except for sleepy behind you,

Here's 30 euros,he is just going to that dead-end  down there."

The guys head off up the road in fits of laughter.

"Whats so funny ?",thinks Magoo.

Magoo drives down the dead-end .

"Alright,Buddy, here you are",he says.

He looks behind him and there's not a move out of the guy.

After a few minutes of trying to wake the guy up by turning up the volume on the radio

and opening the window,Magoo gets fed up and jumps out of the cab and opens the 

door that the guy is asleep against.

The guy falls out straight on to the ground like a dead-weight,

The sunglasses and the hat fall off .

"What the feck",says Magoo.

The guy has no eyes,but worst off all he he was lying there dead-still.

Magoo checks his pulse and there's nothing there,so he rings an Ambulance,.

It turns out the guy was a Body from a Medical Research School.
"That was some deadly night ",thought Magoo as he headed home for a Stiff drink.

 TWEETY PIE

Driving past the Merchant pub one Saturday night these 2 Ladies,

about early 50's, put their hand out for Waffler's cab.

The ladies get into the back seat and say,"Can you take us

to Finglas ,first,and then to Swords,please ?".

"Okey Dokey",says Waffler.

Off they go and the 2 ladies are having a good natter and one of the 

Ladies kept referring to the other lady as ,"Sweetie Pie".

They arrive in Finglas and one Lady gets out and waves goodbye .

So they head up St. Margaret's road and the second lady,who was quite 

glamorous,says to Waffler,"Can you pull the cab over for a minute,Sweetie Pie,

I can't find my phone in this Handbag".

"No probs",he says .

The handbag was huge.

"Can you ring my phone for me,i cant find it",she says.She calls out her number.

Waffler rings her phone and she eventually finds it.

"Thanks ,I just want to ring a few friends to see where they went tonight,

They were supposed to meet up with us earlier".

They head up St.Margaret's  road towards Swords,which is a long and winding

country road.

The lady has her glasses on in the back of cab and she is fiddling with her phone.

Suddenly Waffler's phone starts ringing.

"I  wonder who that is ?",thought the Waffler.

Waffler presses his loudspeaker button on his phone which was in a Hand's free 

kit above the Steering Wheel.

"Hello ",he says.

There was a bit of a pause .then a female voices says,

"Sweetie Pie, Where are you ?".

"What the ?",thinks the Waffler and then looks in his rear view mirror and the Lady 

in the back is saying ,"Sweetie Pie,where are you?"

The Waffler starts laughing and says ,"I am right beside ,you ,Sweetie Pie".

The Lady looks up towards the front of the cab and says,

"Oh my god ",she laughs,"I rang you".

They both have a good laugh.

A few minutes later it happens again and then again,

At this stage the Waffler can barely drive he's laughing that much

with tears coming from his eyes.

They finally arrive at the Lady's house in Swords and the Lady gives Waffler 

a nice tip for the laugh.

"I should be paying you ",he says laughing.

"I'll have to get stronger reading glasses",she says.

They say goodbye and Waffler was about 5 minutes up the road

when his phone rings,"Sweetie Pie......................Where are you?".

 HARD EARNED TIP

Waffler was driving down The North Circular rd at about 10 pm,

when a guy stepped out from the side of the Mater Hospital dressed

in Striped Pyjamas and a Bathing robe draped over them with

a Big Bandage wrapped around his head, hailed his Taxi.

"Take me to Clontarf",he says in a rough Dublin accent,as he gets in the 

back seat.

Waffler looks over his shoulder at him,All he could see of his face was a 

pair of big green piercing eyes staring at him ,and a beard covering his jaw.

"Go",says the guy,"I have done a bunk out of that Hospital".

"What happened to you ?",says Waffler as he pulls off.

"I fell off a window ledge when i tried to climb in the window

of my house,i forgot my key",says he.

They get to his house in lovely and posh Clontarf .

"How much do i owe you ,Bud?",he says.

The fare was ten euros and the guy says,

"Tell you what,I will give you an extra fiver if you will give me a bunt(lift)

over them gates",

Waffler looks at the gates and they are fairly high.

"  Ok",he says and they both get out of the Taxi.

Waffler puts his back against the gates,locks his hands together

and the guy steadies his slippers on his feet and climbs onto

Waffler's hands and grabs onto the top of the gate and with help from Waffler 

ends up on the top of the Gate.

"I'm stuck",he wails,"help me get down from here".

Waffler thinks to himself,"How do i get myself in these situations?".

He looks up and the guy is hanging on ,and the guy says, "Just push me over".

The Waffler pushes him and the next thing he hears is a big thud  on 

the other side of the gate.

"Aaaah",that hurt",says a voice from the other side of the gate.

"Are you ok?",says the Waffler.

"I'll live",says the guy.

Next a hand appears at the top of the gate and the guy says,

"Thanks,Taxi-man,High Five".

So they High five and the guys stumbles over to the door.

Waffler says to himself,as he heads off,"That was a hard earned tip". 

 NEW-BRIDGE

Driving through Temple Bar,3 guys wave down Waffler.
"Can you take us to Newbridge,mate?",1 of them said in an English accent.
"Yes ,jump in",said the Waffler,thinking to himself,"Happy days ,this could be worth about 65 euros.
(Newbridge is in county Kildare ....about 45 minutes drive from Dublin)
The boys are fairly well hammered and they fall into the back seat.
As they turn the corner to go up the quays,there,s this girl swaying on a huge pair of high heels 
in the middle of the road trying to navigate her way across it.
Waffler slows down to let her by,when one of the boys in the back says,
"you,s Irish know how to have a good time".
They fly up the quays passing Capel bridge ,then a few more bridges,
Then pass the James Joyce Bridge ,with Heuston station just in front of them,
When a voice from the back says,"STOP".
Waffler jams on thinking one of the boys was unwell,
"This is us ,mate",says one of the boys,pointing at the James Joyce bridge,
"The New Bridge".
"I don't. believe it",thought the Waffler.
"How much mate?".
"Oh eh 6.50",said the Waffler.
"Keep the change ,mate",said the guy as he handed Waffler a ten euro note.
"Thanks mate ",said the Waffler laughing at how he got that one wrong.

Some people

Driving along the grand canal the other night,the Waffler came to Rialto bridge

and was about to turn left to Rialto,when in the distance along the canal there was a guy waving for a taxi.He looked a bit rough even from a distance ,but Waffler took a chance and zoomed down to him.The guy jumps in and says ,”Can you take me to Rathmines”.

“No prob”,says Waffler.

The guy says,”I had to walk a long way to get taxi ,no von vould stop for me ,about 6 taxis went by”.

"Where are you from “,says waffler.

“Bucharest”,he says.The waffler looked at him and in his hand he was carrying a drill,”I Would not have stopped for you mate if i had seen that in your hand”,the Waffler thought to himself.

“The reason no one would stop for you is 1…..its a rough area

and 2..see that Power Drill you’re carrying in your hand with the drill bit inserted ,

Need i say more ?”.says the Waffler.

“But i need it for work ,No drill no work”,he says,”Like you no car ,no work”.

“Just a bit of advice ,mate, next time carry it in a bag if you want a taxi to stop for you”,says the Waffler.

“Some people,ha ha”,the Waffler thought to himself.